Thursday, June 26, 2003

Fox News reports that parts of a centrifuge buried for 12 years in an Iraqi scientist's back yard may support the assertion that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction. In related news, parts from a 1991 Ford Escort found in the cluttered back yard of rural Michigan resident Billy Bob Pringlemeyer have led to his arrest on suspicion of driving a getaway car for a bank robbery ring.

In other, also only partially fictional Michigan news, a male
Polygonia interrogationis was observed behaving "in a menacing manner" towards birds, bumble bees, and Kalamazoo residents Rick and Julie Stahlhut, on whose roof the obstreperous lepidopteran perched for approximately 15 minutes between bouts of in-your-face flight antics. "We're used to it," one of the homeowners commented. "It happens every year. We think his father and both of his grandfathers used to do the same thing in our yard." Local wildlife authorities urged Kalamazoo residents not to panic, but to exercise "heightened awareness" toward any aggressive behavior by insects. "We have no evidence that butterflies have the capability of transmitting agents of bioterrorism, such as West Nile virus," said visiting animal control consultant Ed Frid. "But it can't hurt to be alert. And carry a big club. They can get into your car, you know. And they'll grab you by the throat as soon as look at you." (Frid was hustled away by a Michigan Department of Natural Resources official before he could continue this interview.)

And, finally, the U.S. Supreme Court has struck down a Texas law banning acts of oral and anal sex between participants of the same sex. Wow -- you mean it's no longer a crime for consenting adults to have sex in private in Texas? This court must be gettin' downright progressive. Next thing you know, they'll be snoopin' into the states' rights to execute mentally disabled convicts ... or permit dumping of hog-heaven waste lagoons into public waters ... or keep third-party candidates off their ballots and minorities off their voting rolls ... or ... y'know, come to think of it, maybe there are actually lots of us who think Antonin Scalia should get a life ....

No doubt about it -- I'm full of more sarcasm than Doug Piranha today.

Through a jaundiced cable modem,


Post a Comment

<< Home